California ain’t much different from us Southern Folks

To start this trip I coaxed my sweetheart into going with me and help with the driving by dangling fun events in front of her. We could visit San Francisco, do some wine tasting, go see the Giants vs. Oakland A's baseball game and just hang like we were in a Bill and Ted's excellent adventure.

The first event was a shuttle bus trip to Giant Stadium in close quarters with 20 Giants fans who were salivating over seeing Barry Bonds. Yikes!!! I didn't like him when he was a killer 'B' in Pittsburg. I was  loving the excitment of a ball game but not the anticipation of seeing the future Hall of Famer (astorisk). He did play a couple of innings and then limped off the field.

Dakota, my nephew's step son had an orange rubber chicken. I asked the reason for carrying this rubber chicken. "It's a boo chicken, held up and swung around over your head, when the opposing team walks Barry intentionally". I then noticed he had his finger in the chickens butt. Why do you have your finger there? "Because it fits and Tim does it too." Well seems like we're back on the farm.

Everyone was in Orange and Black except me. I was in my  official camouflage Atlanta Braves jersey and hat. I was there maybe 10 minutes when a Giants fan came up to me and said,"Hey, Dude. You pull for the Atlanta Slaves." A remark like that down South might be answered with a punch in the mouth but being my first day in California I thought better of it. I then told him I also pull for the Saints and his mouth fell open and he walked off shaking his head. Knowing California was a passivist state I returned to my seat without incident.

Three rows in front of me two Giants fans were harrasing an Oakland A's fan by throwing peanuts at the back of his head and acting as if nothing happened when he turned around. After three innings of the abuse the Oakland fan turned around and knocked the crap out of both of them. I felt as if I was at the Moonlight Inn in the early 70's. After the arrests were made the game continued without incident. However, I turned around and my sweety had purchased a Giants jersey and was wearing orange and black proudly. Maybe California isn't a passivist state after all.

The next day we headed to the city of San Francisco. It was a special day. It was, "Spare the Air Day", which means to keep people from driving their cars the state offers free rides on the train system into the city and free rides on the trolly cars. The state does it three times a year to save the planet from global warming. It worked for me because the train fare was to be about $40 and the trolly cars fares would have been $20.

The other special part of this day was that there was a parade that rivaled Mardis Gras. People were were dancing and dressed up with outlandish costumes. As the parade passed I noticed how nice these Californians were. They were holding hands and huggin' each other and then a reveler passed holding a sign identifying the parade as "Gay Pride Day". Well, I think it's time to leave and head for Alcatraz and Chinatown.

The next day I played golf at Poppy Ridge. While looking for my nephew's ball in the rough I noticed bull frogs in the pond. Fourteen to be exact. A tear came to my eye as the frogs made me home sick and my belly rumbled for some food with seasoning in it.

A couple of days of packing boxes and getting prepared to drive across country followed. The moving van showed up and the moving crew started packing and loading. I mentioned to my sisiter that I was missing my guitar and one of the moving crew pulled up his sleeve and showed me his Blue Oyster Cult tattoos and told me he was personal friends with the Cult band from Berkley and sometimes sits in and plays guitar with the band. I guess rock-n-roll doesn't pay what it use too. He then bumped his head and said a bad word that took the Lords name in vain. My sister called the moving company, made a complaint, and the  Cult guy is probably looking  for another job or back to  playing guitar.

The day came when we were to head out on the 2500 mile, 4 day treck. As we left my sisters neighborhood I took a photo of a typical California sign. It was for "Pet Parenting Classes". There were animals sitting in time out and being asked questions like, "Have you thought about what you stained?" Farther down the road I saw another sign that said,"Wanted, Clean Dirt" Now, how do you get clean dirt? Only in California.

We headed for The Red Lion Casino in Elko, Nevada for our first stop after a 13 hour drive. We traveled through Lake Tahoo and some of the most beautiful parts of America. While driving I saw the most bizarre road kill ever. It wasn't a coon, possum, cat or dog, neutra, snake or turtle. It was a moose. Wow! What a spot. It didn't look too old but we didn't have any room so I didn't stop.

We arrived at the casino at 11pm and I thought a relaxing game of black jack was needed. Well this table was full of some weird ducks but the six grade school teacher celebrating her birthday took the cake. After a bunch of Crown and waters she described her sex education curricullum in detail for her kids and it was disturbing. I did win $100 bucks and a Forrest Gump thought came to mine. "Black Jack tables are like a box of chocolates. You never know what your gonna get."

The next day we headed through Utah and Wyoming on our way to Denver, Colorado. Another 12 hour drive and sights to see. Utah was interesting with the salt flats and Wyoming was never ending open plains and just as I was about to get drowsy I noticed a Prong Horn Sheep on the side of the road. I then noticed 8 and 10 at a time feeding on the open range and it was all I could do to keep my eyes on the road looking for this American icon. We later stopped for gas and I noticed a sea gull on the dumpster. Forrest Gump entered my head again. "Sea Gulls aren't sposed to be in Wyoming." As the sun went down I saw the purple mountains majesty for the first time. What a beautiful country we live in and in that wide open beautiful range were our countries missile silos protecting us from foreign aggression.

After leaving Denver and the Rocky Mountain ranges, the dreaded never ending praires of Kansas awaited us. While driving through the 100's of thousands of acres of corn fields songs entered my head to help relieve the boredoom. "I'm as corny as Kansas in August, from South Pacific was ringing in my ears for a while but soon Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz came through and announced,"There's no place like home. There's no place like home." Home sick again for boiled crabs or Sno's fried shrimp made my tummy hurt. We stopped for the night in Kansas City.

We left Kansas, and drove through Missouri. Did you know Kansas City was in Missouri? I know Louisiana is the butt of the countries chocolate jokes but I think Missouri must be by their own highway signs the stupidist state in the union. They name their East and West highways by single letters of the alphabet such as "B" or "M". and the North and South highways with "BB" or "MM". In this state, all you need to know is the alphabet to get some where. It does pose an interesting scenareo when giving directions. Imagine you're invited by friends to a bar-b-que. Take the 'S' highway 3 miles turn left on 'H' 2 blocks, turn right on 'I' and you start hoping they live on 'P' highway and not 'T'.  

We continued through to St. Louis, where Busch beer is the freshest and then crossed into Illinois. I did get a little nervous as I was now in a Yankee state. I then drove as fast as possible to get to Kentucky and please get me to Tennessee. I have now driven 2300 miles and my body was screaming ENOUGH!

Finally we made it to Tenneessee. I knew I was close to home because people stopped asking me. "Hey, listen to that accent. Where are you from?"