We now live in a time when Christmas decorations go up in Wal-Mart the day after Halloween. When radio stations begin playing “Please Come Home for Christmas” some time around Labor Day. Where people believe that the most important day of the entire holiday season is the Friday after Thanksgiving when you can get caught in midnight traffic lined up from here to Canal Street in order to save five dollars on this year’s “must have” toy.
Doesn’t anyone yearn for an old-fashioned Christmas? Isn’t it time we get back to basics?
As a call for a needed return to fundamentals, Ascension Magazine offers the following ABC’s of Christmas, designed to cover all aspects of the season from A to Z.
A....Athletes and Astronauts
If athletes get athletes
feet, what do astronauts get? Missile-toe.
B...Bobbit’s Family Christmas
A cutting edge drama about Loraina Bobbit and her dysfunctional family who suddenly inherit one of Santa’s reindeer. Subtitled-What Will I Do With my Rudolph?
C... Christmas Cards
My favorite Christmas card of all time came from Milton over at Ourso Funeral Home. He signed it “Eventually Yours.”
D... Deer
I lost 20 bucks one night because I couldn’t name Santa’s reindeer. I should’ve known better because it was the same guy who beat me out of some money when I forgot Doc was one of the seven dwarfs. Anyway there was a big fight over whether the correct pronunciation was “Donner” or “Donder”. By the time the argument was over, everyone was singing “Oh, Donna” by Richie Valens. That’s the kind of weird people I hang around with.
E... Evereadys
You’d better have enough of these on Christmas morning or the charge will be battery when your kids attack you. If arrested, ask for a dry cell.
F....Fruitcake.
This used to be non-alcoholic before the Little Drummer Boy called for “Rum, Rum, rum-Rum-Rum”.
G... Grinch
You know, the one that stole Christmas in the Dr. Seuss classic. Dick Cheney’s out having won this award last year, but Bobby Knight has a shot after alledgedly spraying not one, but two guys with shotgun pellets. Democrats periennially favor a Georgia politician as “The Newt Gingrich That Once Stole Congress.”
H... Ho, Ho, Ho
I wouldn’t touch that line with your ten-foot pole, but it could be Senator David Vitter’s character witnesses.
I... I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas.
Another Christmas card I received. This one from David Duke.
J... Jackson Family
To the tune of Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer: You know Tito and Marlon and Jermaine and Jackie. Janet, Latoya, and Rebbi and Randy. But do you recall the most famous Jackson of all
Micheal, the strangest Jackson, Had a flat nose. He went to see a surgeon, And another one he chose. Then how the children loved him, He invited them to see, But he had to leave the country,
For what went on at Fantasy.
K....Kirk Herbstreet
The former Ohio State quarterback tried to sabotage LSU’s SEC Championship chances with a bogus report about Les Miles going to Michigan. Now Kirk and the Wolverines will have a “Blue-Blue-Blue Christmas without Les” And then the Tigers will ruin his New Year by cracking his beloved Buckeyes.
L ... Leon Spinks
“The former heavyweight champion of the world is famous for his rendition of the Christmas classic- “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth.”
M... Miracle on 34th Street
This movie was about: a) the Saints winning the Super Bowl. b) Barack Obama marrying Hillary Clinton. c) Everyone in Ascension Parish agreeing on new school district lines.
N... Noel
What Englishmen who are not going to heaven hope there is.
O... O’Henry
The master of the surprise ending wrote my favorite Christmas short story “The Gift of the Magi” about two young people who sacrifice their most precious possessions to buy each other Christmas presents. The modern version is called “The Gift of Magic” about a woman who gets AIDS from a professional basketball player.
P... Politically Correct
Are we still allowed to sing these lines? A) Don we now our gay apparel B) Round John Virgin, Mother and child C) Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Q... Quiz
On Christmas literature. Who in the Dickens wrote A Christmas Carol anyway?
R... Rudolph Revisited.
Before Barry Bonds killed baseball, a Cincinnati Reds player named Willie Rudolph was arguing with an umpire about starting a game under less than threatening conditions. Don’t begin this contest, shouted Willie. It’s going to storm. Nonsense, said the umpire and bade the game go on. Minutes later a monsoon hit washing out not only that contest, but games throughout the country. I don’t understand, the umpire later told his wife. One minute the sun was shining, the birds were singing, when suddenly “But you should have listened to that player,” said his wife. “After all, Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear.”
S... Scotch
My favorite Christmas ad to date. Ingle Ells, Ingle Ells. What’s Christmas without J&B?
T... Tiny Tim
Identify this character’s famous lines. A) “God bless us everyone!” B) “Tiptoe through the tulips with me.” C) “Ms. Vickie and I will be wed on the Johnny Carson show.”
U... U-tinsel
This is an order commonly given to people who regularly break Christmas tree ornaments and lights. Example- Clumsy Kid: Can I help decorate the tree? Parent: Yes, U-tinsel.
V... Virginia
When a little girl was having doubts about the existence of a famous institution, she wrote a letter to the Baltimore Sun. The editor was out for the day, but the sports editor answered her question with a column that has become a Christmas classic. It began with these famous words, “Yes, Virginia. There is a Wake Forest”
W... Walking in a Winter Wonderland
Have you heard the parody? Part of it goes, Later on, if you wanna, We’ll dress up like Madonna, Put on some eye shade, and join the parade, Walking Round in Women’s Underwear.
X... X-rated Christmas
Punch-lines You supply the joke. A) They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. B) He only comes once a year and that’s down a chimney.
Y... Yes men
There were three of them and they brought gold, Frankenstein, and a lot of myrth.
Z... Zyne.
Old Lang’s last name.
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