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This is the time of the year that you see those endless “2007 in Review” articles that remind you what a wonderful twelve months we just experienced in sports, politics, entertainment and taser technology.
But do you ever see a “2008 in Preview” column? No, because any psychic worth his crystal balls is down in New Orleans scamming desperate Ohio State fans who are paying obnoxious fees to be told that they won’t have to play an SEC team for the BCS title in 2009.
But as a public service to you, my 7 faithful readers, I will reveal the revelations of an epiphany I encountered in the French Quarter following LSU’s dismantling of the bumbling Buckeyes that will give you the biggest stories of 2008 before they actually occur. For starters in January- USC football coach Pete Carroll leaves the Trojans to take the head job with the NFL’s Washington Redskins. Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban immediately applies for the Southern Cal opening saying that his good looks and charming attitude would make him a natural for Hollywood movies, and the starlets that come with them.
Louisiana’s new governor Bobby Jindal wows the state legislature in his first session by using the ancient Indian rope trick to make Kathleen Blanco disappear.
February- Controversy erupts after Brett Favre leads his Green Bay Packers to a stunning upset over New England in the Super Bowl. Major league pitcher Roger Clemens accuses Favre of being on steroids saying, “No one that old can throw a ball that hard without illegal substances.”
In the Louisiana Presidential Primary, the new computerized voting machines malfunction and some antiquated ones from the 1970’s are brought in to replace them. In a close race, Edwin Edwards captures the Democratic nomination.
March- LSU’s men’s basketball team, down to four players thanks to brilliant planning by Coach John Brady, confuse enough opponents with a 2-2 zone to advance to the Sweet 16 where they are eliminated by Sylvia Fowles and the LSU Lady Tigers.
Meanwhile, Governor Jindal muscles his new ethics bills through the legislature with such ease that the result is some of the “good ole boys” whispering that the 5-1, 108 pound Jindal may be using steroids.
April- The NFL draft lists a scouting report that describes LSU quarterback Matt Flynn as Poor build, lacks mobility and the ability to avoid the rush, lacks a really strong arm when some astute analyst realizes that those were the exact words used to describe NFL MVP Tom Brady when he came out of Michigan.
Roger Clemens says he has some magic vitamin shots for Flynn that will help his arm get really, really strong.
May- LSU’s kick returner Trindon Holliday becomes the first non-thoroughbred to win the Kentucky Derby when he outruns 20 horses down the stretch on the first Saturday in May.
Obviously not impressed, football announcer Brett Musberger claims he’s pretty certain that USC has several players that could have beaten Holliday if they had been chosen to run.
Roger Clemens is quoted as saying, “All of those track stars are on something,” and demands an inquiry into the race.
June- LSU baseball completes an unbelievable turn around under Coach Paul Mainieri and return to Omaha for the College World Series. ESPN analyst Barry Bonds questions the Tigers rise from the dismal 2007 season claiming, “No one can improve that much without taking illegal substances.”
July- Rolling Stones lead guitar player Keith Richards wins the drug-plauged Tour de France wearing a psychedelic tie-dye shirt that replaces the traditional yellow jersey. We find psychedelic look more appropriate since most of our cyclists are on drugs anyway, says French spokesman Hugot de Gaulle. Former champion Lance Armstrong admits that if he had used some sort of enhancement he might still be with Sheryl Crow.
August- The Summer Olympics begin in China amid controversy when the gold, silver and bronze medals are found to contain heavy amounts of lead. Back in America, Roger Clemens demands that all teams in the Little League World Series be tested for steroids.
September- Despite the fact that Tiger Woods wins all four majors, the first golfer tested for steroids is 6-1, 102 pound stringbean Charles Howell III.
Fellow PGA wisecracker Bo Weekly finds that mildly amusing and offers his thoughts on the irony- That boy’s so skinny he’s gotta run around in the shower to get wet.
In the meantime, O.J. Simpson, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears, realizing that double homicides, D.U.I’s, and custody battles don’t get you in the news
anymore and panicking that no one’s mentioned them in the last 15 minutes, all admit that they used steroids at one time in their careers.
October- The Cubs win the World Series with a fundamental brand of baseball that includes bunts, hit and run plays, stolen bases, and solid defense instead of robo-players hitting home runs.
Unfortunately, with no “long balls” to keep the average fan awake as the games drag past midnight, the Fall Classic loses out in the TV ratings to the World Series of Beer Pong featuring sometime, golfer John Daly and former Phillie John Kruk.
November- Admitted steroid user Arnold Schwarzenegger is elected President fo the United States but says he will only serve four years. “I will be a”
one-terminator governator, insists Austrian-born Arnold.
I won’t be back!
In sports, Roger Clemens tells ESPN that loosing seventh-game Yankee pitcher Andy Petite could have been a real “shot-in-the-arm” to his team if only he’d taken his vitamins.
Britney Spears, desperate for any kind of attention, wins NASCAR’s Chase for the Cup series in a car furnished with tow infants and no baby seats.
December- After being voted Baton Rouge’s Model Citizen of the Year LSU’s Ryan Perrilloux leads the Tigers past Georgia in the SEC Championship Game. Then in an unprecedented move of sportsmanship, Perrilloux and Coach Les Miles tell the Bulldogs, Y’all can go to the BCS Bowl. It’s no fun beating up on Ohio State anymore.
End of the year best sellers include Roger Clemens stirring The Rocket Never Used Any Extra Boosters, Hillary Clinton’s emotional I Really Didn’t Want To Be President Anyway, and a made-for-TV special edition My Heart’s Happy Here in Hollywood, by the prickly Nick Saban.
All on the fiction list, of course.
Happy New year to everyone!
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