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“If there is larceny in a man’s heart, golf will bring it out…” – Paul Gallico
Without a doubt, the biggest suckers for gimmicks and gadgets in the world of sports are golfers.
These poor cursed souls roam aimlessly around courses they can’t conquer searching for any magical cure for their hooks or slices or putting yips.
They will pay hundreds of dollars for a new high-tech beryllium driver to add yardage to their tee shots. They will spend their monthly rent money on “shank-less” irons to prevent that dreaded sideways shot. And they will sell their body and soul for a laser putter that will guarantee that they will never miss another 4-footer in their lifetime.
And don’t get me started on the multitude of professionally-endorsed practice gimmicks that golfers could not do without and now stand idle beside the workout equipment in the spare garage.
I know. I’m a golfer. I also know because my son feeds his family by selling golf equipment for Edwin Watts in Baton Rouge.
So please, my golfing cohorts, don’t stop purchasing those X-150 super-charged clubs that will finally make you club champion. My grand-kids need to eat.
I’m just here today to offer a simple alternative that is guaranteed to improve your score, and finally get into your buddies’ wallets.
It’s a little technique I like to call – How to Cheat at Golf.
Now before you hit me with all that “gentleman’s game” bullsquash, look around at your playing partners and see how many gentlemen you see.
Now may we proceed…
“One who deceives will always find those who allow themselves to be deceived.” –Machiavelli
First and foremost, before you improve your lie, you must learn to lie. Study the best fabricators you can find --- CEO’s, used car salesmen, Republican congressmen --- and practice their techniques until you can deliver the biggest whopper with a straight face.
Practice on your significant other, but remember --- you’ll come out much better if you speak to her in her own language. For example, if you come home at 11 PM from a 12 noon golf game you can tell the truth…
She – Where have you been? Dinner was ready four hours ago.
He – After we finished playing golf, we decided to play cards and see how big a dent we could put in Miller Lite’s inventory. She – Why you worthless…
And of course, a Hank Williams and Audrey knockdown drag-out ensues.
But now let’s examine the improving your lie method…
She – Where have you been? Dinner was ready four hours ago.
He – Honey, I was on the way home from Pelican Point when I thought I’d stop by Tanger Mall for a minute and I saw the cutest little summer sandals in one of the stores. They were almost like the ones I have now, except they had a gold buckle on the strap instead of a silver one and I knew I’d spent too much money on clothes and shoes already this month but I just had to try them on so I stayed at the store for hours trying to decide what to do and I ended up not buying them because I thought you’d be mad at me and…
She – Oh honey, dinner can wait. You simply must have those sandals. And I think that store has a “Midnight Madness” sale tonight, so we can go back and get them right now.
See how easy that was. So now that you’ve got that lie down pat, it’s time to move on to another kind of lie…
Playing the ball as it lies can become a tricky rule if you don’t learn to cheat. For instance, celebrity swingers like the PGA’s Adam Scott and myself often have trouble with scantly-clad young women in our galleries.
This can present some delicate situations as shown in the accompanying pictures. Some guy named Beaver once taught me a “Leave it to Cleavage” shot for such situations, but it is too risky to divulge to rank amateurs.
Now in more conventional bad lies --- mired in deep U.S. Open rough, stuck behind a tree, lodged in a root --- there are several highly recommended ways to cheat and get a better shot.
In the high weeds or tough rough, simply hack away at the ball until you have moved it sufficiently far enough to get a good whack at it, or until you’ve knocked down enough grass to get a clear path for our next shot.
Just before you take your “real” shot and after your seventh or eighth hack, shout across the fairway to your opponents, “Don’t worry about that water moccasin---I just smashed his head to smithereens.”
A more finesse move is called the ‘chopsticks” method. This requires bringing two to three clubs over to the bad lie and moving the ball into the clear while you “deliberate what’s the best iron for the shot.”
If simplicity is your thing, simply use the “foot wedge” after causing a distraction to assure that your opponents are looking in a different direction.
Some people like to yell, “Fore!” and nudge the ball to a more hittable position while their partners duck for cover.
If blessed with rugged good looks like Nathan LaPorte and myself, and haunted by the aforementioned “girlie galleries,” you may want to change the distraction to, “Look at those damn Hooters’ girls waiting on the green. They just won’t leave me alone.”
Then you’ll probably have time to tee it up if you want.
It took me 17 years to get 3000 hits in baseball. I got that many one afternoon on the golf course. - Hank AaronBaseball slugger Ted Williams and golfer Sam Snead were once arguing about which was the tougher game to play.
Williams went through the traditional argument about the pitched baseball moving 90 miles per hour and the golf ball sitting on the tee.
“Yeah,” Snead countered, “but when you hit one foul you get another swing. We have to go find it and play it.”
There are several ways to handle the severe penalty for a ball out of bounds. My favorite is simply to tee up another ball and announce, “I didn’t use my mulligan on the first tee, so I’m taking it now.”
If your opponents protest your “floating mulligan,” pull out a rule book and dare them to find any mulligan rule at all in the U.S.G.A bible.
Another way is to confidently go over to your ball and hit it before anyone else is paying attention. Use one of the following responses when questioned about your actions.
“It must have hit a house and bounced back in.”“That wasn’t an out-of-bounds stake. It was a “Mire for D.A.” sign that some Lambert supporter had knocked the top off of.”
“I thought we were playing ‘Texas golf’---you know, shoot your way out of anything.”
If all else fails, remember --- the pen is mightier than the Ping. One of the first golf axioms I was taught was, “Yell fore, make six and write down five.”
When you’re scoring and you have a bad hole, wait a few holes before you write down anything and then announce to the group, “Ah man, I forgot to mark those last couple of holes. Let’s see, I had a par and a par. What did y’all have?”
Pencil-whipping has become so popular in scramble tournaments that some teams come in with a blank card and simply fill in a score one better than the one leading.
Watch for people with a multitude of golf bags to spot this kind of crook. They’ve won ‘em all scrambling scramble scores.
Distractions during putting have become more sophisticated with the advent of the cell phone.
Program your cell phone to blast out the first few notes of Jimi Hendrix’s “Foxy Lady” on volume level five just about the time your opponent is stroking that tricky 4-footer that will determine the match.
Even with my hearing-impaired ears, I can hear that.
Now if your crafty foe is shrewd enough to stop his stroke and back up, go to Plan B.
Find the one guy in the group with the most obnoxious laugh. It helps if he’s been drinking. Then whisper loudly into your phone to your pretend caller, “I’ll call you right after the round’s over. We’re finishing up now. How am I playing? The best two balls I hit all day were when I stepped on a rake” Now with any luck at all, the giggler will try to hold his laughter in while your enemy tried in vain to line up his 4-footer again. The result will be a series of snorts, snickers, and sniffles guaranteed to produce a missed putt.
So there you have it --- a cheaper, more efficient way to improve your golf game, win friends, and influence people. That is --- if they happen to be on your side.
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