IF I WERE THE KING OF THE WORLD…
by Bill Delaune

“If I Were the King of the World…” If you’re looking for one of my traditional scary Halloween stories about how I battled the Hookman and Louisiana werewolves (Loup-Garou) down the Gonzales Light Lane, well I’m afraid you’re in for a trick instead of a treat. You see, there are more important things on my agenda right now. I have an election to run.

While others may be content to confine themselves to running for such meaningless offices as U.S. senator or President of the United States, I intend to go for the whole enchilada (an ethnic attempt to get the Latino vote) and go whole hog or nothing (gives a folksy, down-home appearance) to win the only office that interests me-King of the World.

But as former governor John McKeithen used to say in his North Louisiana drawl, “I’m gonna need a little hep.”

First of all, we’ll need a musical anthem that the entire world can identify with. Remember when the Beatles did the first world-wide broadcast via satellite in 1968? In what can only be described as a stroke of genius, John Lennon chose “All You Need Is Love” as the one tune to perform. The song’s message came through loud and clear in any language. But since that one’s already been done, my regime’s theme song will be “Joy to the World”-not the Christmas carol but the one made popular by Three Dog Night in the late ‘60’s. Not only does the song, written by Hoyt Axton, who went on to play Billy’s dad in “Gremlins”-promote hope and happiness, it also supplies us with a mascot for the campaign.

Everybody loves the hero of the song’s first verse Jeremiah the Bullfrog (appeal to animal lovers) who enjoyed a taste of wine every now and then.And the repetitious chorus would have the entire world singing along from Lower Slobbovia to Rooster Poo, Arkansas.

I’m sure Three Dog Night would not be opposed to a revival of their classic although I prefer a local version by Nancy Marchand of Duplesssis.

Once our world-wide anthem is in place, I will then start to appoint my cabinet members. These will be extremely important because even when I am King of the World, I intend to be like Moses (biblical reference to appeal to religious groups) and lean on my staff. So for my first appointee, I address a world-wide problem on everyone’s mind right now…

Depression Despot-
Tony Soprano. With a little help from this famous Jersey mobster, we should have the economy up and running again in no time. Sure his popular series’ closing left a lot to be desired. But you should see Tony and his boys in action when the closing involves debts to be collected.

Can you picture some fat cat CEO from AIG or Enron sitting on his yacht in the Cayman Islands when suddenly there’s a knock at the door? Enter Tony, Paulie, Guido and few other members of the family wielding Louisville Slugger baseball bats-the old models made of ash not maple.

“We’re here to make you an offer you can’t refuse,” begins Tony. “We are of the opinion that youse should return the 90 million dollar settlement you received to the taxpayers and nobody will get hurt. Otherwise, Paulie and Guido and I are going to take a little batting practice on strategic parts of your body sorta like some of my Vegas crew did to Joe Pesci in “Casino”.”

A few more stops like that and we’ll be able to bail out not only the USA but also several European countries and the city of Katmandu.

Middle Eastern Mediator-
Dr. Phil. Oprah’s favorite problem-solver would have no shortage of business in his first assignment in Iraq.

But I am confident that in just a matter of days, the good doctor would have the Shiites singing, “Keep on the Sunni side…” the Sunnis reading Mother Goose poetry to little children about “kurds and whey” and the Kurds playing “Wheel of Fortune” while trying to buy a vowel from the Shiites.

Later, Dr. Phil will try to teach the Iraqis some old Jewish songs like “Jew Believe in Magic” and will say clever quotes like, “There has never been a good war or a bad piece.” If his methods work, then we’ve cooled off one of our hot spots in the planet. And if the natives get upset and behead him, we have a martyr for our cause. Dr. Phil would have wanted it that way.

Award-Winning Director of Immigration-
Clint Eastwood. A firm proponent of Teddy Roosevelt’s “Speak softly and carry a big stick” policy, Eastwood’s “big stick” was often a .44 magnum- “the most powerful handgun known to man”.

His relationship with the Mexican community dates back to the days of the “Fistful of Dollars” trilogy where he helped solve a feud between two families south of the Border by killing every single person in both families.

“There are the Rojos on one side and the Baxters on the other side and me in the middle,” pointed out the astute compromiser.

In the sequel “A Few Dollars More”, Eastwood again showed his tact and diplomacy by infiltrating a Mexican gang, gaining their trust and then killing every single member for the reward money.

The third installment-“The Good, the Bad and the Ugly” saw Clint team up with a Mexican named Tuco for a very profitable partnership. Eastwood rewards Tuco at the end by leaving him balanced precariously on a cross in a graveyard with a noose around his neck.

If this isn’t the guy to work out better relations between us and our Mexican neighbors, I want you to tell me who is.

Religious Riter-
John Prine. Separation of church and state in my new world order? Never. I intend to have a religious gumbo that includes everything rom Haitian voodoo to Willie Nelson reincarnation.

However, I do thing we may need to combine some of the worlds many religions into just a few in order to get along and avoid those nasty little wars about whose God is better. Call it a mass merger if you will.

And once again using music as the universal language, I will call upon my singer/songwriter buddy from Chicago to help soothe any hurt feelings that may occur.

John Prine’s philosophical tune “Pretty Good” contains a verse about religion that will become the cornerstone of my administration. In the key of D, it goes something like this…

“I heard Allah and Buddha were singing at the Savior’s feast, And up in the sky an Arabian Rabbi fed Quaker Oats to a priest, Pretty good, not bad, they can’t complain. Cause actually all them gods are just about the same.”

Prine will be assisted in his duties by Nashville’s Larry Gatlin who once offended Christians and Jews alike with his wino’s lament in “Midnight Choir”… “Will there be Mogen David in heaven-Dear Lord we’d all like to know, Will there be Mogen David in heaven, Sweet Jesus? If they don’t, who the hell wants to go?” Inspirational is not a strong enough word for those lyrics.

Gender General-
Richard “Kinky” Friedman. If you think I’m overloading this cabinet with musicians, you’re probably right. But remember, this gentleman received almost 13 per cent of the vote in the last gubernatorial race in the great state of Texas so he is well qualified to repair the “gender benders” that are taking place all over our globe.

Sure he was voted Male Chauvinist Pig of 1978 for his stirring ballad about women’s rights-“Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed”, but Kinky has grown a lot more sensitive to the issues since then.

Witness his answer to the abortion issue during his Texas campaign. “I’m not pro-life and I’m not pro-choice, I’m pro-football” And his touching takes on gay rights. “I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.” Kinky’s first assignment will be to establish a women’s beach volleyball league in Iran.

Ruler of Race Relations-Morgan Freeman. This one was a no-brainer. Freeman has shown the ability to lead an all-black unit in the Civil War (“Glory”), to deal with a cranky old white woman in the Deep South (“Driving Miss Daisy”) and to straighten out a tumultuous world as God (“Bruce Almighty”).

And with that great baritone voice of his, Freeman is a natural to do all of our propaganda-oops-public service announcements that will air all over the globe.

Freeman has also shown the ability to work closely with Immigration Director Eastwood (“Million Dollar Baby”) and will not throw in the towel when the real fighting begins. Other key appointments will include…

U. N. Secretary General-
Nick Saban. If St. Nick can rebuild a downtrodden Alabama team in two short seasons, think what he can do for the U.N.-an organization in total disarray.

And as far as the “moody” label unfairly bestowed on Coach Saban, I beg to differ. Moody people are happy some of the time.

Transportation Tsars- Batman, Spiderman and Ironman. Hey, these guys never seem to have any trouble making their way through traffic. Let’s get everyone a Batmobile (Isn’t Morgan Freeman head of Bruce Wayne Enterprises? See how nicely this is all coming together.) Or some of Spidey’s ultra-strong webbing or maybe a couple of Ironman’s rockets and we’ll all soar above the traffic snarls below. And, by the way, where are all those jet packs we were promised we would all be using in the 21st century.

Weather Wizard-
Jim Cantore. One of my first actions as King of the World will be to change hurricane season from its current June through November status to a one month period in December.

Next our designated hurricane halter Jim Cantore, who always seems to know exactly where the storm is going to hit, will be sent out to issue an out-of-season ticket to any hurricane that tries to enter the coast during the old six-month period. Violators will be sent back to Africa to do time-out in the Sahara Desert where they can dump all the rain they want to.

Unfortunately, the rare storms that do come in December will have to be allowed to enter the mainland. The advantages will be that generators will not be needed to run air conditioners in the winter, families will probably all be piled in one house for Christmas anyway and Santa Claus can use the wind at his back to expedite the delivery of gifts.

Now I know what you’re thinking. With all these duties being designated, what am I-as King of the World- going to have left to do? The answer comes in the final verse of our national anthem… “If I were the King of the World, tell you what I’d do, Throw away the cars and the laws and the wars, and make sweet love to you. Joy to the world, all the boys and girls…”

Epilogue-
Despite this poor attempt at satire, there is an important election scheduled for the first Tuesday in November. Whether you vote for Obama because his name sounds better in the “Name Game”-“Bama, Bama, Bo-Bama…” or you vote for McCain because like every “Joe Six-pack and Susie Soccer mom you betcha his running mate is-like-oh my God” really hot, make sure you exercise your right to vote. And then hope for the best.