THOUGHTS FROM BULLY: DID SANTA BRING WHAT YOU ASKED FOR?

There was a time when all I wanted for Christmas was my two front teeth. These days I’d settle for keeping all my teeth.

I remember the days when I made a list and checked it twice and got most of the things on it. I guess I shouldn’t complain about the thing I didn’t get. I didn’t really believe that Santa would be handing out Playboy magazines.

Now that I am in my fifties I still get that special feeling that only Christmas morning can bring. However, since I don’t make a list anymore I can’t imagine what is waiting for me in my stocking or under the tree.

I love the mystery and excitement of not knowing what’s in that present with my name on it. My son gave me a present that brought back childhood memories. He gave me a pair of Superman underwear. Wow what a surprise that was. In close retrospect the Superman drawers do tell a tale of my existing life. I am alot like Superman these days. I am able to leap in my bed with a single bound. I am more powerful than slow motion. And more often than not I am faster than a speeding bullet and I don’t mean that in a good way.

At first I thought the drawers were a gag gift but I am now inspired. They have helped me driving my car. Remember when your Mom told you to wear under wear in case you get in a wreck. I now drive safe because I don’t want to get in a wreck and see the nurses faces in the emergency room giggling at my Superman underwear.

This next gift I am going to describe may need to be in the rated ‘R’ section of this Bully article. When we look through our stockings on Christmas morning we all watch each other take the fun gifts out one at a time and tell everybody what it is that we received. It was with great surprise and wonderment that I pulled out a can of Spotted Dick Sponge Pudding. No crap. I got a 10oz can of Spotted Dick Sponge Pudding made by Heinz. And it’s microwaveable, uhmmm. I know these Bully articles can get a little weird from time-to-time but I’d never have the guts to write something in my article that sounds like this if it wasn’t true. I had to read the ingredients in this pudding. It has wheat flour, raisins, canola and palm oils, non fat dry milk, inverted cane syrup, leaveners, egg whites, salt, spices and spice extractives and natural flavors. I think the natural flavors scare me the most.

We all had a big laugh and I have had lots of fun with it since. I believe it will remain in my pantry and will never be opened unless maybe my ex-wife shows up for dinner one night.

It is more evident with every day aging me that I am getting a little more out of touch with society. The next gift I received resembled images I once saw at Southern Comfort Lounge. I didn’t know what these leak proof lids were for or how they were to be used. I seized the opportunity to take an embarrassing photo so my grandkids will have an image of me for their mantle one day.

This Christmas my family and I visited my niece in Denver, Colorado. We wanted to have a white Christmas and weren’t disappointed. It snowed 8 inches the first day we were there.

We had been couped-up in her condo for about a week and decided to get out and experience the Rocky Mountains. We headed for Winter Park to go snowmobiling.

We made our reservations to make a 2 hour ride. Two couples, two snow mobiles, two hours and $350 and we were to get the ride of our life. That’s right I said $350. Oh well it’s family and a one time shot.

The fun started as we suited up to ride in the 9 degree weather. We studied the hand signal board. I thought they were screwing with us when I saw the hand signal for Moose on trail. Yea right, I am going to be traveling 25 miles per hour on a small trail in flying snow and shivering. I don’t think I am going to let go of the heated handle bars to let the people around me know that there is a 10 ft. tall 1400 pound Moose on the trail. I think they’ll see the beast.

Before we started the ride we got a brief safety lesson. I wrapped my LSU scarf around my neck and announced to all of the other riders. “If their are any Alabama fans on this ride, get out of the way!”

We were cruising along twenty minutes into this $350 adventure when some fresh powder grabbed my bike and turned us over. Oil spilled out of the bike and we were towed back down the mountain 5 feet behind one of the guides throwing a rooster tail of snow in our faces. Hot dog we are having fun now.

Once we arrived to get another snow mobile we decided not to continue the ride and went back to the lodge to warm up by the camp fire.

This was a great decision. We warmed up waiting for the rest of our party to return from the ride. I had been bouncing around on the mogul filled trails on the mountain and needed to take some personal time in the port-a-john. Let me tell you it may be cold but your body gets warm in those heavy body suits. I unzipped the winter clothing and sat on the cold plastic. That’s when it happened. Remember the kid in the Christmas movie with the glasses and the Red Rider BB gun. Remember when he stuck his tongue to the frozen pole. That’s what my warm butt was like in that port-a-john. I was stuck. I didn't holler for help. I had to just stand up and rip. I now have a lasting memory and a ring scare to remember our trip to the mountains.

Even with all the mishaps it was a great day and beautiful scenery with good and bad memories.

I hope all my readers had a great Christmas. I do want to give you a warning if you see me and I want to gamble and bet you $100 that I received a weirder Christmas that you did. Don’t take the bet unless you got some Leprosy Salad Dressing or something.